I recently got a fortune cookie that told me to "bite off more than you can chew and chew like hell." When I first got it, I thought it was so fitting. I laughed and thought about framing it. This past year, I worked, (sortof) blogged, took 24 credit hours in grad school, and wrote a book. It was a challenging year. We've all had them right?! Either because of extra tasks you've taken on, tasks you've been given, family crisis, or school crises, you've felt like you are under water and you can't get above it. 

So here's the thing, I thought I had it. I thought I was doing well until about a month before the book deadline, when I was finalizing my last project for grad school and trying to wrap up the work on the book, I just buckled. You see, you can only sustain the pressure for so long before you just can't any more. Since then, I've been sick more days than I've been well but I'm finding ways to pull myself up out of the valley and remember being normal again. I thought I'd share some ideas that I have to help make it through.

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When I used to wait tables, a job I am terrible at by the way, we say we were "in the weeds" when things were overwhelmed. I have no idea if people still say this but I use it all the time. That's how you feel, like you're stuck in the weeds and you may never get out. 

Pick your top priorities and say no to everything else. ​​​​​           
Whether your stressors are self-imposed or coming from an outside source, choose your priorities and ruthlessly cut out all other asks. There are always people/things/interests that will pull on your time but when you're in the weeds, ain't nobody got time for that.

​Prioritize something good. 
Make sure at least one of your priorities needs to be good for you. I love to read. I read over 100 books while in grad school and writing a book. That's because reading to me is such a part of who I am that, without it, I wouldn't be me. 

Share where you are. 
It takes a village people. Who is your village? Who knows what's going on with you and will check in on your status? I think that we need at least one family member, one colleague, and one friend who can be our person on tough days. If you don't have that, think about how you can cultivate it.

Don't forget your why.
Whatever your stressor, you haven't peaced out and moved to Timbuktu for a reason. What is your why?  Are you supporting your family? Following a dream? Working for the good of your students? Relate what you are doing to your why and keep your eye on the goal.

You did it! You made it through the stressful time. Everything is good right? I definitely underestimated the recovery portion of this journey. I thought that when I finished all the things of this past school year, that I would unlock all this free time to get more done. 

Give yourself the gift of non-productivity.
After moving past your time of "biting off more than you can chew," you need a break! Like, a real break. Vacations might count but there will be some time when you are less productive than your usual self. That's to be expected. When we're lucky, that happens right around the time of summer break! Even when it doesn't, give yourself some grace.

Share where you are.
Remember that village? It doesn't end when our stressors do. Keep sharing where you are. Not just the good stuff too - the main stressors may have passed but we're still working our way back to normal (or a new normal). 

Celebrate successes.
Friend, you have done amazing things. Celebrate those things. 

Grant time to grieve.
If your time of great stress came from crises, work environment, or other negative circumstances, give yourself the time to grieve that which once was. 

I've ended this season of my life and moved into a new one. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had but I've also learned my lesson. I will be much more realistic about what I can take on in the future. What about you? Have you had one of those years?

Why did you become a school counselor? Most people will say it's for the kids. I'm right there with ya but I say to that, why? What about the kids drives you to wake up every morning to come to work in a super hard job that has some serious pitfalls?

You probably (hopefully) say you love your job. What makes you love it? What makes you strive to better your practice for kids? Recently, I had the opportunity to be a guest on the Cutting Edge Conversation podcast. We talked about the book I was currently reading, my love for Dr. Pepper, and how I finally jumped on the apple cider vinegar bandwagon. In the middle of the conversation, something happened. I remembered my why. I think you can even hear it in my voice. 

But this post isn't about my why. This post is about your why. If you've lost yours, or never had it, I recommend this TED talk as a place to get started. It's titled "Why Great Leaders Inspire Action." As we know, counselors are leaders within your building. If you want to change outcomes for students, we can't just work with students, we must also work with the adults who guide the students' days. 

So unless you know your why, it might be hard to inspire others to change. Here are some sentence starters that might help you:

• I decided to be a school counselor because ____________________________________.
• I wanted to (insert answer from above) so that kids could __________________________.
• I think this is important for the world because _________________________________.

Then, make a list of all the things you get to do at work everyday that fulfill your why. If you've been struggling to find the time to be a school counselor because of all the other responsibilities heaped upon you, think about how you can find your why even in lunch duty, test administration, volunteer coordination, or the other random things on your plate. Find your why each and every day and don't give up on it. 

Now, go write that why down and post it somewhere. Remind yourself of your why every day, even when you feel you may have forgotten. Especially when. 

I would love for you to comment below with your answers to the sentence starters above. Who knows, you might inspire someone else's why. 

Some of you with a keen eye have noticed my to-do list for creating anti-bias lessons. I began by calling them equity lessons but a colleague pointed out that students can't really control equity. Equity is systemic and beyond the reach of children. Semantics, maybe, but it hit home for me. I am working with a group of counselors in my district to create anti-bias lessons for counselors to use in Grades K-8. We are aligning each of the lessons to ASCA Mindsets and Behaviors and then using the Teaching Tolerance Social Justice Standards for the learning objectives. I'm am writing about the scope and sequence of the lessons in my upcoming book and, when they are done, I will share some of the slide decks and lesson plans with you here. In the meantime, let's dive into the Social Justice Standards.

Teaching Tolerance released their Social Justice Standards in 2016 with four domains: identity, diversity, justice, and action. They have identified anchor standards for each of these domains but they also go a step further to identify grade level outcomes. The outcomes are divided into grade spans K-2, 3-5, 6-8, and 9-12. If you follow the domains from grade level to grade level, you can see how the same idea progresses into deeper and more critical thinking skills. Let's look at an example:

Identity 3: Students will recognize that people’s multiple identities interact and create unique and complex individuals.

• K-2: I know that all my group identities are part of me—but that I am always ALL me. 
• 3-5: I know that all my group identities are part of who I am, but none of them fully describes me and this is true for other people too.
• 6-8: I know that overlapping identities combine to make me who I am and that none of my group identities on their own fully defines me or any other person. 
• 9-12: I know that all my group identities and the intersection of those identities create unique aspects of who I am and that this is true for other people too.

I highlighted some of the major differences in the outcomes. I love the progression of complexity, I can see how a child might learn and grow through the standards.

In designing our lessons, we tried to concentrate on identity and diversity first and then move into justice and action. We felt it was important for kids to understand who they are and who others are before thinking about how differences effect some people. School counselors do a pretty great job of helping students with identity and diversity. Some programs really focus on action but few, I think, focus on Justice. Let's look at a progression through the justice outcomes:

Justice 14: Students will recognize that power and privilege influence relationships on interpersonal, intergroup and institutional levels and consider how they have been affected by those dynamics.

• K-2: I know that life is easier for some people and harder for others and the reasons for that are not always fair.
• 3-5: I know that life is easier for some people and harder for others based on who they are and where they were born.
• 6-8: I know that all people (including myself ) have certain advantages and disadvantages in society based on who they are and where they were born.
• 9-12: I am aware of the advantages and disadvantages I have in society because of my membership in different identity groups, and I know how this has affected my life. 

Cue the record stopping and crickets. This is a whole new world for many. We don't talk about this stuff and it might bring up uncomfortable feelings for you. More importantly, what might parents say?!?! Take a deep breath, you got this. 

I encourage you to print out the Social Justice Standards. Circle the outcomes that you already use within your core curriculum. Next, choose a few outcomes that you would like to add in. Take your list to a teacher who is knowledgeable about the English/Language Arts and Social Studies curriculum. You will find there is a lot of overlap where you can work with core teachers to embed the Social Justice Standards. Teaching Tolerance also has a searchable learning plans site that aligns common core standards with the Social Justice Standards.

Choose one anti-bias standard or skill that you want to implement in the upcoming school year and make it happen! Tell me below how you are implementing anti-bias social emotional learning for your students.  

Classroom elves, Christmas Trees in the lobby, Polar Express viewings, Santa at dismissal, when does celebrating the holiday season move from fun to culturally insensitive? I knew of a school where Santa came every year to speak to the younger students. During instructional time. When the principal moved to end this tradition, she was asked if she wanted to be the person who "didn't like Santa." I love celebrations and I definitely think school should be FUN but I am committed to being culturally responsive in my work as a school counselor.

Teaching Tolerance states that "culturally responsive teaching recognizes the importance of including students' cultural references in all aspects of learning, enriching classroom experiences and keeping students engaged. How can we take this definition and apply it to our celebrations during the holiday season?

Walk around your building and take note of the decorations you see in the hallways, in classrooms, and especially in the lobby. Are holiday traditions other than Christmas included in a more than nominal way? A menorah in the corner of the classroom does not a decoration make. I once visited a school where the media center had set up beautiful vignettes of different holiday traditions including a Christmas scene with faux-fireplace and stockings and a table set for a Hanukkah meal. I've never seen anything like it and I was amazed at the care that the librarian had taken to make each display meaningful.  

All cultures celebrate the spirit of kindness and giving in some way. You don't need to focus on Christmas to appreciate these traits. Consider a food drive or acts of kindness day to celebrate. Likewise, traditions are founded in spending time with our loved ones - I am attending a school's "gift of reading" day this week where each class has special visitors from the community and district to read to them. I am choosing to read non-holiday books because I wasn't comfortable with my Christmas-only selection at home. But I am wearing my ugly sweater! The students will all be in the pajamas but I have to go back to Central Office ;)

Make it a point to learn about the traditions and holidays that your students celebrate. Ask questions about what those traditions mean to their families. Not all religions have a celebration in December so keep your questions open wide to year round traditions and holidays by asking "What is a tradition that you have in your family?" 

The holiday season is also an opportunity for your students to learn. Explore traditions, holidays, and cultural experiences of a wide variety of communities as you move through the month of December. All students are better for learning about others.

We also keep our questions open because not all children have the joy of Christmas, Hanukkah, or other traditions at home. For many children, their celebration days will be empty due to poverty, abuse, or family crises. I recently saw a classroom lesson where students wrote a letter to Santa with the quote about "those who believe will see presents under the tree." My heart breaks for those kids who either don't believe because that is not their family tradition or that do believe but won't have presents or a tree.

I strongly believe school should be fun. There are many ways to celebrate the festivity of the holiday season while learning and growing from the rich, diverse religious and cultural traditions that are represented in our communities. As school counselors, we are charged with making school a welcome and inviting place for all students to learn. How are you working to make your school welcoming to all this holiday season?

Recently, I was scrolling through social media and I saw a comment written by a school counselor friend that said "I can't tell you how many times I have been hit, kicked, scratched and bitten this year. Luckily, I haven't been spit or peed on." I read the comment and shook my head in sympathy and started to move on but realized that most of the general public would be shocked to find out that any school employee might be regularly hurt on the job by children. Often our youngest students are the least capable of handling the intense emotions that they experience not to mention trauma that may have triggered these emotions. That is why we have school counselors and that is why we are inspired to do this work every day.

But let's get real! It is no fun to go to work every day to be "hit, kicked, scratched and bitten." In fact, school counselors don't talk about it. No one in grad school told me that I might be physically assaulted at work. I remember a little girl that I worked with years ago who had many episodes of violent behavior per week. I would get in the car to go to work and my eyes would well up in tired tears thinking about what would happen once I arrived. It was hard. Really hard. Looking back, I know we did all the right things but this kiddo had some major needs that took a while to meet. So what to do when you are in the middle of this reality?

Knowing that you might have to work with children who are hurting themselves or others, it's important to be trained in some type of crisis intervention. Many districts in my area use CPI Nonviolent Crisis Intervention but there are other resources out there. If you are unsure what your district has to offer, check with your special education department because they may offer something similar to your low-incidence teachers. It's important to be trained how to work with students to keep them (and you!) safe. 

That doesn't mean ignoring the phone or running past the classroom with a screaming child ;) Instead, try to help the child to calm down before they reach a crisis point if possible. Sometimes this means working with your classroom teachers to identify warning signs that a child is close to crisis. Sometimes it means using some in-the-moment crisis diffusing counselor tricks. Personally, I like the "help now" section of the iChill App. 

There's a reason that institutions like the Army and Red Cross debrief after an event. People need to talk about what they've been through and support one another. In addition, debriefing allows you to talk about what went well and what didn't. After my assistant principal and I spent around 3 hours with a student helping him to de-escalate and calm down, we went out separate ways to finish our day. The next morning, I went by her office and asked if we could talk about our work with this student. We had a great conversation where we talked about what worked and what didn't. We were able to be honest with one another and share some ideas for our future work together. We became a well oiled machine when working with a student in crisis. Our calm helped our students to feel safe with us and helped us to be better in the next crisis. 

Debriefing happens with people who were there in the crisis or who may be there next time. It's also important to communicate with your colleagues about what you can handle and where you are emotionally and physically. Your administrators need to be made aware that a child has been violent so that they can assess staffing as appropriate. Of course, there are times when your own needs may not be met. Communicate that as well. Often we, as counselors, are the least likely to advocate for our own work. I speak to counselors all the time who, through lack of communication, have painted themselves in a corner where they are no longer productive for themselves or their students.

I'm starting to get to the point where I roll my eyes when I hear the phrase "self care." That said, it really is important. When you've spent your day physically protecting yourself and a child, it's important to think about what will fill your (now empty) bucket. Sitting on the couch watching mindless TV, exercise, or a mini shopping spree might work for you. Or not. Pick what would make you smile - or at least not grimace. After one particularly crazy morning with my student who had me tearing up in the mornings, I walked up to my principal and said "I'm done. I'm going home. I just can't." He looked at me and said "Seems like you've worked a full day to me." Yeah, he's a good guy.


So, what are your tips for handling that thing we don't talk about? What's your favorite self-care release?