Have you ever walked out of a conversation frustrated that it didn't go well or you weren't able to reach your goal? Of course you have! I've been in a professional development for the book Crucial Conversations and I wanted to share some of my thoughts and tips based on what I've learned. If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend that you pick it up. Crucial Conversations have three elements: opposing opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions. Yep, sounds like 99% of the counselors work.

As counselors, we know that two people bring meaning to any interpersonal conflict. In reality, it can be really hard to remember this. The biggest take away that I got from this step was to really think about your motive and get yourself together before you interact with someone else. 

Your principal asks you to follow up with a parent about a situation with their child. The parent does not respond favorably and reaches out to the principal to complain. The principal calls you to her office and "reminds" you that the school has protocols for how and when to reach out to parents. You are totally frustrated! You did exactly what she asked you to do and now she is blaming you for what's wrong.

Is your motive to prove to the principal that she was wrong and not you? Will that ultimately help you to support your goal of helping this student and working in collaboration with your boss? This one is hard for me because I *love* to be right. I am going to have to practice this skill of "ultimate goal" to help me get unstuck. 

We all have stories we tell about the people around us. The motives and ideas that we decide are happening behind the actions we see. These stories guide our response to what happens and can be a self-fulfilled prophecy. We are all amazing story tellers whether it's the truth or not. 

A particularly difficult parent walks in your office with an angry look on their face. You brace yourself for their latest onslaught. You are so sick of this you think. The way they treat you is completely unfair and you really shouldn't have to put up with this.

What other stories could you tell about this parent? Fierce advocate? If you go into the conversation above with the idea that the parent is difficult and unfair, you will probably be defensive and further "prove" to the parent that there is something to be angry about. It's a vicious cycle y'all, when we see something that isn't working, change our story. I drive a lot for my job and I've pretty much mastered my road rage with this technique. When someone cuts me off, I'll think "they must be really distracted that they didn't see me." It works.

Of course, none of this works when we're escalated. Pay attention to your own feelings so you can slow down the conversation to get better results. I need to keep practicing for sure. 

Hey, remember me? I have been feeling a little MIA from my very favorite people - school counselors! You might have heard, I am writing a book! I have an amazing co-author and am thrilled to be sharing our thoughts on equity in school counseling with the world. I am not going to lie though, it's challenging stuff. I've been devoting all the free time I can to book writing and haven't been here with y'all as much as I would like. Our book is due to the publisher at the end of June so never fear, this too shall pass. 

In the meantime, I want to share with you some of the social justice children's books that I have sitting in my Amazon cart. They look wonderful and I can't wait to get my hands on them. I'll do some Instagram Stories with walkthroughs so you can see the illustrations and hear my opinions about the books. 

I Am Enough by Grace Byers
​
What It's About: As a mother, educator, and counselor, I want to whisper these words into every girls' ear. We are all enough. Amazon describes it as "a gorgeous, lyrical ode to loving who you are, respecting others, a being kind to one another." Need I say more.
Why I'm Excited: As a white woman, and mother to a white girl, I love that this book brings the positive message of loving who you are with a black girl at the center. I want my child to see positive messages about children of different races to balance out the white-centered world we live in. As an educator, I love that this book features a black girl because I want my students to see themselves represented in the books that we read and the stories we tell. Also, Grace Byers of Empire fame!

The Name Jar by Yangsook Choi

What It's About: Unhei moves to the United States from Korea and is worried that no one will be able to pronounce her name. She tells her classmates that she will choose a name and they all put ideas in a jar to help her choose. One child from her class comes to her house and learns her real name and it's special meaning. The class encourages Unhei to go by her own name. 
Why I'm Excited: Stand up on the soap box with me y'all. Names are important! Pronouncing names are important! It's not ok for us to ask kids and families to change their names to make it easier on us. 

Brave Girl: Clara and the Shirtwaist Masters' Strike of 1909

What It's About: Clara, an Ukranian Immigrant, moves to the United States and begins working in a garment factory. Frustrated by the terrible working conditions, Clara never gives up. She learns English and leads the largest walkout of women workers. 
Why I'm Excited: Girl Power! I cannot wait to share this story with some strong girls in my life. So much to admire about this true story. Clara is an English Language Learner who overcomes obstacles to be a strong leader for change. I'm also excited about opening up discussions about child labor and poor working conditions that still go on today. I think that bringing up difficult topics alongside positive stories of historical relevance can make big problems seem less overwhelming or scary to younger children.

The Youngest Marcher

What It's About: Get ready to be a rebel for change. Audrey Faye Hendricks was the youngest child ever to be arrested in the civil rights protests of Birmingham Alabama in 1963. 
Why I'm Excited: My child has been to 3 marches in her young life and we will be going to her fourth in just a few weeks in DC. I want her to be active and strong. To take on the causes of our society with passion and that's just what Audrey Faye Hendricks models. For school, I think it would be an amazing discussion in an upper grade around doing what's right when it's hard. Visually, the book looks beautiful with an unusual layout and gorgeous illustrations. 

Born a Crime

What It's About: Comedian Trevor Noah, The Daily Show, was born in apartheid South African to a white father and black mother. By law, this union was illegal and punishable by 5 years in prison. Noah's mother had to keep him hidden for many years so that she would not be arrested and he would not be taken away. After apartheid lifted, the mother and son were able to live openly for the first time..
Why I'm Excited: Trevor Noah is funny, I enjoy hearing him on the Daily Show and like his wit and charm. I knew that he was from South Africa but had no idea of the true story behind his childhood. I anticipate learning a lot about how races interact, changing systemic racism, and what it means to set apart from society around you.

For White Folks Who Teach in the Hood

What It's About: Dr. Emdin is a former classroom teacher turned professor whose experience has led to his theory of reality pedagogy. This book aims to share Emdin's experiences and wisdom from his time as a student and teacher in urban schools. 
Why I'm Excited: This one is cheating a bit because I've already read this book. It's a dense read but worth the effort. I found it best to read a bit and take a break to reflect and practice concepts before returning. My sister is a 5th grade teacher and she and I read the book at the same time. She has implemented some of Emdin's ideas in her classroom. We both found his book to walk the line of the theoretical and the practical in a great way.

Going to School in Black and White

What It's About: Two students in Durham, North Carolina learn that they will need to change schools due to desegregation in their community. One student is black. One student is white. They later become friends as adults and share their stories in this memoir.
Why I'm Excited: I am participating in a book study with my daughter's school district for this book. I am interested to hear the stories of these two women. I think that the narrative of the students who experienced desegregation is under-represented in our stories of history. This was also apparent when I watched the powerful documentary Teach Us All and I want to continue my learning in this area.

So what's on your book list? I am an avid reader (read 125 books last year!) and am always looking to add books to my ever-growing "to read" list. I would love for you to share your favorites with me.