Have you ever walked out of a conversation frustrated that it didn't go well or you weren't able to reach your goal? Of course you have! I've been in a professional development for the book Crucial Conversations and I wanted to share some of my thoughts and tips based on what I've learned. If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend that you pick it up. Crucial Conversations have three elements: opposing opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions. Yep, sounds like 99% of the counselors work.
Get Unstuck
As counselors, we know that two people bring meaning to any interpersonal conflict. In reality, it can be really hard to remember this. The biggest take away that I got from this step was to really think about your motive and get yourself together before you interact with someone else.
Your principal asks you to follow up with a parent about a situation with their child. The parent does not respond favorably and reaches out to the principal to complain. The principal calls you to her office and "reminds" you that the school has protocols for how and when to reach out to parents. You are totally frustrated! You did exactly what she asked you to do and now she is blaming you for what's wrong.
Is your motive to prove to the principal that she was wrong and not you? Will that ultimately help you to support your goal of helping this student and working in collaboration with your boss? This one is hard for me because I *love* to be right. I am going to have to practice this skill of "ultimate goal" to help me get unstuck.
Your principal asks you to follow up with a parent about a situation with their child. The parent does not respond favorably and reaches out to the principal to complain. The principal calls you to her office and "reminds" you that the school has protocols for how and when to reach out to parents. You are totally frustrated! You did exactly what she asked you to do and now she is blaming you for what's wrong.
Is your motive to prove to the principal that she was wrong and not you? Will that ultimately help you to support your goal of helping this student and working in collaboration with your boss? This one is hard for me because I *love* to be right. I am going to have to practice this skill of "ultimate goal" to help me get unstuck.
Master My Stories
We all have stories we tell about the people around us. The motives and ideas that we decide are happening behind the actions we see. These stories guide our response to what happens and can be a self-fulfilled prophecy. We are all amazing story tellers whether it's the truth or not.
A particularly difficult parent walks in your office with an angry look on their face. You brace yourself for their latest onslaught. You are so sick of this you think. The way they treat you is completely unfair and you really shouldn't have to put up with this.
What other stories could you tell about this parent? Fierce advocate? If you go into the conversation above with the idea that the parent is difficult and unfair, you will probably be defensive and further "prove" to the parent that there is something to be angry about. It's a vicious cycle y'all, when we see something that isn't working, change our story. I drive a lot for my job and I've pretty much mastered my road rage with this technique. When someone cuts me off, I'll think "they must be really distracted that they didn't see me." It works.
A particularly difficult parent walks in your office with an angry look on their face. You brace yourself for their latest onslaught. You are so sick of this you think. The way they treat you is completely unfair and you really shouldn't have to put up with this.
What other stories could you tell about this parent? Fierce advocate? If you go into the conversation above with the idea that the parent is difficult and unfair, you will probably be defensive and further "prove" to the parent that there is something to be angry about. It's a vicious cycle y'all, when we see something that isn't working, change our story. I drive a lot for my job and I've pretty much mastered my road rage with this technique. When someone cuts me off, I'll think "they must be really distracted that they didn't see me." It works.
Keeping It Together
Of course, none of this works when we're escalated. Pay attention to your own feelings so you can slow down the conversation to get better results. I need to keep practicing for sure.
