I recently got a fortune cookie that told me to "bite off more than you can chew and chew like hell." When I first got it, I thought it was so fitting. I laughed and thought about framing it. This past year, I worked, (sortof) blogged, took 24 credit hours in grad school, and wrote a book. It was a challenging year. We've all had them right?! Either because of extra tasks you've taken on, tasks you've been given, family crisis, or school crises, you've felt like you are under water and you can't get above it. 

So here's the thing, I thought I had it. I thought I was doing well until about a month before the book deadline, when I was finalizing my last project for grad school and trying to wrap up the work on the book, I just buckled. You see, you can only sustain the pressure for so long before you just can't any more. Since then, I've been sick more days than I've been well but I'm finding ways to pull myself up out of the valley and remember being normal again. I thought I'd share some ideas that I have to help make it through.

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When I used to wait tables, a job I am terrible at by the way, we say we were "in the weeds" when things were overwhelmed. I have no idea if people still say this but I use it all the time. That's how you feel, like you're stuck in the weeds and you may never get out. 

Pick your top priorities and say no to everything else. ​​​​​           
Whether your stressors are self-imposed or coming from an outside source, choose your priorities and ruthlessly cut out all other asks. There are always people/things/interests that will pull on your time but when you're in the weeds, ain't nobody got time for that.

​Prioritize something good. 
Make sure at least one of your priorities needs to be good for you. I love to read. I read over 100 books while in grad school and writing a book. That's because reading to me is such a part of who I am that, without it, I wouldn't be me. 

Share where you are. 
It takes a village people. Who is your village? Who knows what's going on with you and will check in on your status? I think that we need at least one family member, one colleague, and one friend who can be our person on tough days. If you don't have that, think about how you can cultivate it.

Don't forget your why.
Whatever your stressor, you haven't peaced out and moved to Timbuktu for a reason. What is your why?  Are you supporting your family? Following a dream? Working for the good of your students? Relate what you are doing to your why and keep your eye on the goal.

You did it! You made it through the stressful time. Everything is good right? I definitely underestimated the recovery portion of this journey. I thought that when I finished all the things of this past school year, that I would unlock all this free time to get more done. 

Give yourself the gift of non-productivity.
After moving past your time of "biting off more than you can chew," you need a break! Like, a real break. Vacations might count but there will be some time when you are less productive than your usual self. That's to be expected. When we're lucky, that happens right around the time of summer break! Even when it doesn't, give yourself some grace.

Share where you are.
Remember that village? It doesn't end when our stressors do. Keep sharing where you are. Not just the good stuff too - the main stressors may have passed but we're still working our way back to normal (or a new normal). 

Celebrate successes.
Friend, you have done amazing things. Celebrate those things. 

Grant time to grieve.
If your time of great stress came from crises, work environment, or other negative circumstances, give yourself the time to grieve that which once was. 

I've ended this season of my life and moved into a new one. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had but I've also learned my lesson. I will be much more realistic about what I can take on in the future. What about you? Have you had one of those years?

Classroom elves, Christmas Trees in the lobby, Polar Express viewings, Santa at dismissal, when does celebrating the holiday season move from fun to culturally insensitive? I knew of a school where Santa came every year to speak to the younger students. During instructional time. When the principal moved to end this tradition, she was asked if she wanted to be the person who "didn't like Santa." I love celebrations and I definitely think school should be FUN but I am committed to being culturally responsive in my work as a school counselor.

Teaching Tolerance states that "culturally responsive teaching recognizes the importance of including students' cultural references in all aspects of learning, enriching classroom experiences and keeping students engaged. How can we take this definition and apply it to our celebrations during the holiday season?

Walk around your building and take note of the decorations you see in the hallways, in classrooms, and especially in the lobby. Are holiday traditions other than Christmas included in a more than nominal way? A menorah in the corner of the classroom does not a decoration make. I once visited a school where the media center had set up beautiful vignettes of different holiday traditions including a Christmas scene with faux-fireplace and stockings and a table set for a Hanukkah meal. I've never seen anything like it and I was amazed at the care that the librarian had taken to make each display meaningful.  

All cultures celebrate the spirit of kindness and giving in some way. You don't need to focus on Christmas to appreciate these traits. Consider a food drive or acts of kindness day to celebrate. Likewise, traditions are founded in spending time with our loved ones - I am attending a school's "gift of reading" day this week where each class has special visitors from the community and district to read to them. I am choosing to read non-holiday books because I wasn't comfortable with my Christmas-only selection at home. But I am wearing my ugly sweater! The students will all be in the pajamas but I have to go back to Central Office ;)

Make it a point to learn about the traditions and holidays that your students celebrate. Ask questions about what those traditions mean to their families. Not all religions have a celebration in December so keep your questions open wide to year round traditions and holidays by asking "What is a tradition that you have in your family?" 

The holiday season is also an opportunity for your students to learn. Explore traditions, holidays, and cultural experiences of a wide variety of communities as you move through the month of December. All students are better for learning about others.

We also keep our questions open because not all children have the joy of Christmas, Hanukkah, or other traditions at home. For many children, their celebration days will be empty due to poverty, abuse, or family crises. I recently saw a classroom lesson where students wrote a letter to Santa with the quote about "those who believe will see presents under the tree." My heart breaks for those kids who either don't believe because that is not their family tradition or that do believe but won't have presents or a tree.

I strongly believe school should be fun. There are many ways to celebrate the festivity of the holiday season while learning and growing from the rich, diverse religious and cultural traditions that are represented in our communities. As school counselors, we are charged with making school a welcome and inviting place for all students to learn. How are you working to make your school welcoming to all this holiday season?

Recently, I was scrolling through social media and I saw a comment written by a school counselor friend that said "I can't tell you how many times I have been hit, kicked, scratched and bitten this year. Luckily, I haven't been spit or peed on." I read the comment and shook my head in sympathy and started to move on but realized that most of the general public would be shocked to find out that any school employee might be regularly hurt on the job by children. Often our youngest students are the least capable of handling the intense emotions that they experience not to mention trauma that may have triggered these emotions. That is why we have school counselors and that is why we are inspired to do this work every day.

But let's get real! It is no fun to go to work every day to be "hit, kicked, scratched and bitten." In fact, school counselors don't talk about it. No one in grad school told me that I might be physically assaulted at work. I remember a little girl that I worked with years ago who had many episodes of violent behavior per week. I would get in the car to go to work and my eyes would well up in tired tears thinking about what would happen once I arrived. It was hard. Really hard. Looking back, I know we did all the right things but this kiddo had some major needs that took a while to meet. So what to do when you are in the middle of this reality?

Knowing that you might have to work with children who are hurting themselves or others, it's important to be trained in some type of crisis intervention. Many districts in my area use CPI Nonviolent Crisis Intervention but there are other resources out there. If you are unsure what your district has to offer, check with your special education department because they may offer something similar to your low-incidence teachers. It's important to be trained how to work with students to keep them (and you!) safe. 

That doesn't mean ignoring the phone or running past the classroom with a screaming child ;) Instead, try to help the child to calm down before they reach a crisis point if possible. Sometimes this means working with your classroom teachers to identify warning signs that a child is close to crisis. Sometimes it means using some in-the-moment crisis diffusing counselor tricks. Personally, I like the "help now" section of the iChill App. 

There's a reason that institutions like the Army and Red Cross debrief after an event. People need to talk about what they've been through and support one another. In addition, debriefing allows you to talk about what went well and what didn't. After my assistant principal and I spent around 3 hours with a student helping him to de-escalate and calm down, we went out separate ways to finish our day. The next morning, I went by her office and asked if we could talk about our work with this student. We had a great conversation where we talked about what worked and what didn't. We were able to be honest with one another and share some ideas for our future work together. We became a well oiled machine when working with a student in crisis. Our calm helped our students to feel safe with us and helped us to be better in the next crisis. 

Debriefing happens with people who were there in the crisis or who may be there next time. It's also important to communicate with your colleagues about what you can handle and where you are emotionally and physically. Your administrators need to be made aware that a child has been violent so that they can assess staffing as appropriate. Of course, there are times when your own needs may not be met. Communicate that as well. Often we, as counselors, are the least likely to advocate for our own work. I speak to counselors all the time who, through lack of communication, have painted themselves in a corner where they are no longer productive for themselves or their students.

I'm starting to get to the point where I roll my eyes when I hear the phrase "self care." That said, it really is important. When you've spent your day physically protecting yourself and a child, it's important to think about what will fill your (now empty) bucket. Sitting on the couch watching mindless TV, exercise, or a mini shopping spree might work for you. Or not. Pick what would make you smile - or at least not grimace. After one particularly crazy morning with my student who had me tearing up in the mornings, I walked up to my principal and said "I'm done. I'm going home. I just can't." He looked at me and said "Seems like you've worked a full day to me." Yeah, he's a good guy.


So, what are your tips for handling that thing we don't talk about? What's your favorite self-care release?

Unless you have been completely off social media (the modern day living under a rock), you have probably heard about the show “Thirteen Reasons Why.” The show depicts a boy (Clay) listening to a series of tapes made by his love interest (Hannah) before she dies by suicide. Because I spend more time in the car than on the couch (sadly), I listened to the audiobook and have watched a few of the episodes on Netflix. For the purposes of this post, I am not going to delve into if this show should have been made or the book written. It’s here, so what do we do about it?

1. Book review for adults: This is one of those YA books that could have been written for adults. There is a nuance to the story that I think adults will appreciate. It was interesting to see the story told from Hannah and Clay’s perspectives. As an adult, you can see the many errors in thinking that are so much a part of adolescence.
2. Book review for teenagers: Typically, I gear most of my work towards the elementary school age. I don’t think this show or book would ever be appropriate for any young child. In addition to suicide, there are drugs, drinking, sexual acts, and rape depicted. I’m on the fence about whether this book and show is appropriate for teens. If a teen you know is watching or reading, I recommend that you watch or read along with them so that you can help them to process what they are watching.
3. Cyberbullying: One of the main reasons that Hannah is struggling at her new school is cyberbullying. Innocuous interactions turn into rumors and scandal without any substance behind them. In one of the opening scenes of the show, you see Hannah’s love interest show his friends a slightly compromising picture of her (though taken in an innocent way). They immediately grab his phone and text the photo and a lie about it to the whole school despite his protests. This would be a cool clip to show in a lesson about cyberbullying and appropriate internet use.
4. Peer Pressure: In this story, you can see both active peer pressure and peer pressure that takes place because of a lack of action. In one scene, a boy is inappropriately touching a girl despite her protests and the other student in the hot tub gets out and leaves the girl alone.
5. Rape Culture: As an adult reading this book, I noticed the pervasiveness of rape culture. Hannah is often the recipient of touches, glances, and words that are unwanted. While she protests those actions, no one else does and I worry that the message gets lost in the messenger.
   
   
6. Suicide: Guess what? Suicide is not the greatest revenge to take against people who have wronged you. Even if you make 13 tapes about how awful they were. All the people who wronged Hannah listened to the tapes and they seem to take them to heart. This aspect of the book and show got it wrong.
   
   
7. Doing the Right Thing: Supportive adults watching with their teen have many opportunities to point out the right thing that could have been done. There are many points where a character makes a choice that leads the story down a negative path.
8. Empathy: I had a lot of empathy for Clay while reading and watching. As an adult, I had a lot of empathy for many of the other (outwardly meaner) characters. I remember making similar dumb mistakes when I was a teenager. Teens will likely see the characters in a more good guy/bad guy perspective.
9. Hannah: While reading the book, I was kind of annoyed by Hannah. This is probably not how she’s “supposed” to come off but it’s the truth. She seemed, well, needy. In the show, she comes off as much cooler before her downward spiral. I’m torn on whether this is a good thing. Teenage me would have wanted to be Hannah and you see how that turns out.
10. Clay: It’s hard for me to talk about Clay without giving the plot away. Let me just say that he is not a nuanced character. He’s a one-sided coin for sure. As an adult reading, I worry about the psychological pressure these tapes have on him.
11. The Counselor: Hannah tells you early on that if the previous “guidance” (blech) counselor had still been there that the story might have turned out differently. I think the counselor plays a larger role in the show that I haven’t finished yet but in the book, I feel for the guy. Hannah comes into his office (by the way, he also teaches English so he’s a part time school counselor) when he’s having a bad day. He doesn’t handle it well. But, I ask you, does your blood run cold knowing that you’ve had off days too? Mine sure did.
12. The Ending: No spoilers! But it’s redeeming. But not for Hannah.
13. Author’s Notes: If you read the book, read the author’s interview at the end about what he is going for here. If you watch the show, watch this clip on the role of suicide and mental health in the creation of the show.